The truth will set you free???

I read Dolly’s blog and was going to leave a comment. But what I have to say might be too long. This goes out to the betrayed. I am assuming all of your spouses have lied on some level about the affair. I know I did.

No matter how many phone records you look through. How many receipts you find. How many text or whatever it is you find that makes you think you have it figured out and you want us to answer in the way you think it happened. Let me just say your not completely right. Maybe some of what you think is. But here’s the thing. None of you have been in the situation. (Thank God) even though we (the betrayer) put ourselves there, you will never be able to make sense of it. Or understand it. Wether it’s because we started out lying or just because your imagination ran wild (which is usually worse than truth) it’s not going to make sense.

I wonder how many of you really want the truth. I wonder how many spouses finally gave in and told it your way just so the endless conversation of that one piece would be over. I know I have.

The truth will set you free?, no I think the betrayeds truth will set you free. We could tell the truth til we are blue in the face and most of the time the betrayed won’t be satisfied and we will end up telling you the lie you really believe.

Dont get me wrong I know we did it to ourselves. I get that. I know it’s a long road to recovery if that road is still paved. I know there will be triggers, broken hearts, fights, crying sessions and lots more.

As the betrayed, ask yourself do you want the truth or do you want your truth. As the betrayer I think we hear you say certain things and we fight you on it because there is a few pieces of what your saying that is wrong and to us those few things makes a difference. I can’t speak for the betrayed, but do those little pieces to the puzzle that you have wrong make a difference. Or should we just own up to it knowing it’s not the complete truth. Frankly I know I an tired of fighting with my spouse on those issues and finally started just agreeing with him. Right or wrong? Sometimes wrong because then that opens up another box.

So I’ll ask you again do you want the truth or your truth?

No one said this would be easy. I knew that it wouldn’t be. I’m not asking for being off the hook, or for someone to have sympathy for me.

Just a few things I thought of when I read the post.

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It’s been a while since I wrote.

Swimming in my own despair. My heart is clenched in your teeth. Drowning in quicksand. With every move I’m sinking, sinking. Panic sinks in. Can’t catch my breath. Tangled in regret. Wrapped in ice cold loneliness. Lived two lives. My heart can’t take it. My mind can’t comprehend. What I’ve done. Searching, always searching. Never finding, looking in the wrong place. Happiness, love, acceptance. Lies, betrayal, false hope. Looking to the world. A cold dark world. That doesn’t care. Where you are nothing. Spit you out. Worst than you came. How can that be? How is that possible? High on the pedestal. A pedestal of sand. The wind is increasing. Take me down knocking me down

The end?

I haven’t been on here in a while. Life gets so crazy.

I blogged about the start. Blogged about the middle. What’s next, the end. As I wrote the tile to this blog I realize there is never an end. Sure the affair comes to an end. It’s always the same. You realize what your doing and wonder how you got there and how you can stop it. Or You get Into a fight with the OM/OW. Or Your found out. Or You tell your spouse because you want to come clean. But then you chicken out and tell half truths. Or trickle truth. Sparing their feelings. So you say. But does it really. No. The damage is already done. The worst has already been thought of and spoken. The less you tell or come clean the worst the thoughts become for them. Then it becomes a reality to your spouse and your fighting another battle you didn’t have to fight.

For me the sex part of the relationship with the OM was over long before the conversations were. I stopped making time for him. I didn’t go visit him. But I continued to take his call. And even call him. Why? I know that’s the big question. My husband believes it’s because I was leaving the door open for him. Because I missed him and wanted him back. Is there any truth to that. A little I guess. In my delusional mind I thought him and I were friends. I believed it. For a long time I talked to him every day. For hours on end. This went on for years. So when the communication stoped or I guess I should say slowed down. I did miss my “friend”. He wasn’t a friend. He never was. I realize that now. But not then. I didn’t want to have sex with him anymore. Nor did I want to spend time with him outside of a phone conversation. Conversations were easy with him. Why? Because we had no ties. We didn’t have kids together. We didn’t have bills together. We didn’t have anything together except for our deception, betrayal and lies. Of course he was the same as me so he never told me this is wrong (not that I didn’t already know that) but a friend would have said ” Hey, what the hell are you doing.” He never made me accountable for anything. My thoughts. My words. My actions. Friends do that. They help you to grow into a better person. He was no friend. In fact now I consider him the enemy. No, I’m not placing all the blame on him. I know and knew what I did was wrong. Why did I do it? I can give you a million lame excuses that don’t mean a damn thing when it’s all said and done. That’s a question I can’t answer. I wish I could.

So the end. There isn’t one. It’s never ending. It’s haunts you day in and day out. You see it on your spouses face. In your spouses eyes. You see it when you look in the mirror. You see it in your kids. Things you’ve taught them their whole life that was wrong and then you go do that very thing. And let’s not talk about on the tv. It’s everywhere. Like a common thing. Like it’s no big deal. I can’t watch it. I don’t want to watch it.

I’ve learned a lot over the course of this last year. I learned some things you never come back from. Sure some days are easier than others. You may live past it but it’s always there somewhere lurking. Instead of an elephant in the room it might become a turtle. Hopefully it becomes a turtle.

The middle

Well I ended the last blog talking about the first night I cheated. I haven’t talked about it since then. There’s so much to it I just don’t know where to go.

When I got offered my store I thought it was going to be a few states away and I would never see the OM again. As it turned out he became my boss. So needless to say we continued on the phone all the time. Night and day. All hours. Tons of messages tons calls. We saw each other bare minimum once a month. Not every time did we have sex but a good portion of the time we did. We had monthly manager meetings and that’s why we saw each other then. He also come to my store to do his AOM duties every other week. Most of the time he skipped my store and would only come every three to four weeks.

Him and I got closer and closer. He was like my best friend. The closer I got to him the meaner I got to my husband.

On a side note. It’s strange to say this but I still had guilt about things. For instance he would say mean stuff about his wife and I would defend her. I don’t understand it myself but I did. If he would say things about my husband I would correct him and wouldn’t let him talk about him. I would always defend his wife and my husband. I know how weird that sounds. My husband believes we would laugh about him and joke. And it’s simply not true. The OM and I would not talk about him. I would occasionally say stuff like he’s being a jerk today. Or I really pissed him off today. But that’s as far as it went. It was off limits to talk about them.

Time went on and I knew that the OM was lying to me about things but I never wanted to believe it. I mean come on why would he lie to me ( I’m Being sarcastic) during one of my conversations with my husband about the OM I stated that I never lied to the OM. My husband took that to mean something totally different then what I meant. What I meant was I always told the OM I was never leaving my husband. Which my husband now uses that piece of information against me. I really never thought the affair would turn into as long as it did or with so many feelings. I don’t know what I was thinking or why I would think that it would just be done and over and no would know. Actually no one would have known if I hadn’t told.

Well one day the OM got really sick and ended up in the hospital and while he was there his wife went through his phone. Of course she found a lot of calls and messages. She also found some pics of me in his phone. She called me that day. I didn’t know what to say to her, I told her the truth. I told her all the things he had told me about their relationship. I let her yell at me and say whatever she wanted. Who was I to say anything back to her. I never got angry. We talked about 3 times that day. She told me that I wasn’t the only one he was seeing. I believed her. When I questioned the OM about it of course he had a ton of excuses. Some of them sounded legit. I knew they were lies. But I wanted to believe him. We didn’t talk much after that. About 2 months went by and the calls started again. Shortly after that he was no longer my boss and I only saw him at the meetings. He went to another area.

The OM and his wife got a divorce. Which he stated from the beginning that they were getting a divorce so I wasn’t surprised.

I started to hate living two lives. That’s what I was doing for years. I lived two lives. I didn’t know who I was anymore. Things I never thought I would do I was doing. I started talking the OM less. But I missed our friendship. I wouldn’t make time to go see him because I knew what it entailed. When I went to the manager meetings I made sure I had plans with the other managers so I had an excuse not to meet with him. We still talked on the phone and texted.

The OM begged me to come see him and couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t. So he told me he was lonely and wanted to start dating. I told him to do it. I was fine with it. He would call me and tell me about his dates. Which I would listen and talk to him about it. By this time my husband had moved back to where we lived before this job. About 3 1/2 hours away. I would go see my husband every other weekend and on the opposite ones he would come to my house.

Yes I still talked to the OM I just wouldn’t go see him or make any time for him. Yes I know that’s just as bad. But in my mind at the time I seen it as that part of our relationship was over and we were just friends. It’s laughable now when I think about it. Really. You can be friends with him still. No. Not at all.

I will end this one here. I’ll finish up the story on my next blog.

More bitter day by day

Why, you ask, should I be bitter? After all I wasn’t the one who was betrayed. I’m the one that did the betrayal. But it doesn’t matter I’m still bitter, it gets worse everyday. It doesn’t help that it’s Christmas time my least favorite holiday. Yea i know I’m a grinch.

Here’s why I’m bitter. My husband and I are pretty much done. It gets worse day by day. I know I’ve caused it. I see the stupid romance movies on tv and I literally give them the finger. I hear a song of love and the radio gets shut off. I really don’t know what I’m fighting for anymore. Fighting for him to believe me, well he doesn’t and it only makes matters worse when I stand my ground. Even when it is the truth. So I could give in and tell him what he thinks or maybe wants to hear but that would only be worse because I would have to make up the story as I went. And since I don’t know what he thinks actually happened that won’t work either.

So here I am. For what? Why am I here? To prove what? It doesn’t matter anyway.

I think about moving to another state. But I would miss my kids. They are all grown and have their own places. Still young enough to still need mom sometimes. Hell right now I need them more than they need me. I have always been a strong independent woman. Not anymore. I’m broken. I broke myself. I don’t know how to fix me. I don’t know if I want to fix me.

The things my husband thinks about me now are just to much to handle. He believes I must have cheated our whole marriage because this affair was done so “good” hiding it for so long. He believes I won’t ever tell the truth. He believes I’ve never loved him. He believes I will always be that person. I wish I knew how to change his look when it comes to me but I don’t. I can’t. He believes nothing I say. So show him with actions. That doesn’t work either. I believe I am fighting a loosing battle.

It’s been a year since I’ve told him. It’s only gotten worse. I knew this would be hard. I’m not scared of hard work. But when there is no give at all. I’ll take just a morsel. I’d take a mustard seed of some sort of glimpse that it might get better some day. I see nothing but a dark hole getting bigger and bigger. I’ve never been more miserable in my life. I know I have made him miserable beyond measure.

White flag.

I give.

He wins.

I’m done.

What do I say

I know I’m writing a lot today. A couple different topics. My mind is swirling.

Here’s my question, what do I say now?

My husband everyday thinks I’m going to magically say something that will make it make sense or at the very least show some sort of love for him.

I read a blog and excuse me if I don’t remember who wrote it (I’ve been reading a lot of them) but she said that her husband is spending time with her. Doing all the little things to show he loves her. But it’s not enough after an affair. You know the snuggles. Or the cooking dinner little things that would have meant so much before but now mean nothing without the other. So I get that now. I get what I thought was showing him I love him was really not. I mean you need to do that to but it’s not the icing on the cake anymore.

What do I say now??

He believes I am still lying and he believes I’m still trying to keep part of it back for myself. Hidden within me. That’s not it at all. I don’t want any of it. I believe the reason he thinks that is because some of the things he believes to be true aren’t and I fight him on it. But what am I really fighting for? To win? To say see you were wrong about that but right about everything else. How ridiculous. I am fighting him on particulars that in the grand scheme of what I did, do they really mean anything.

What do I say now???

My husband always ask me what do I have to say for myself. I am silent. I have nothing to say for myself. Nothing he doesn’t already know. Silent for him is worse than anything but I don’t know what to say.

What do I say now????

My husband already ask me what do I have to say to him for him. I say ” I love you” but now those 3 little words that should have always meant so much. Mean nothing. How do you show someone you love them after all the horrible cruel things you have done to them. I see my husband. I see him for the man that he is. I see him for the man he tried to always be for me that I never let him be.

What do I say now ?????

That is the million dollar question. I am running out of time. I fear I already ran out of time years ago. But he loves me. He keeps trying to make a way for me. But I’m lost. I don’t know what to say. What to do. How to prove anything. Especially when he believes nothing I have to say. He tells me all the time he sees no difference between now and when I was having the affair except the OM isn’t here. Which that is my fault because I told him I loved him during the whole affair. I know. I know that is awful and sinister. I get it. But I’m paying for it now.

What do I say now??????

Edited to say. My husband also believes I should know what to do to make him feel a little better. I don’t. That haunts me. Why don’t I know. He says I sure knew how to ruin it I should know how to make it better. Again. I don’t. I’ve asked him what he needs. What he wants. He won’t tell me. I partially think it’s because he doesn’t know either. The other part is he does know somewhat but wants me to be on the same level as him. I mean if I love him I should know what he needs or wants right? Wrong. I have never been in this situation before so I don’t know what anyone would need. Truth. Yes I get that. But if you believe nothing is the truth then we’re do you go from there?

Poor OW???

I just read a blog from a while ago talking about how the OW write these blogs wanting people to feel sorry for them. Basically it was a blog about why should we feel sorry for it you choose it. The comments were pretty much the same. Well I agree with all of you.

I want NO sympathy at all. Pardon the pun but I made my bed and now I must lie in it. It’s a horrible bed. Not only was I the OW but I was also married and he was the OM. Fucking pathetic. I want NO sympathy. The only thing I want is to maybe not feel pain everyday just a few times a month. I don’t want it to go away completely. It keeps you grounded and humbled. I do however want no more pain for my husband at least as less as possible. And less triggers for him would be nice.

Even being the OW I still feel like them talking about their “feelings” and how they are “lonely” is rich. Get over yourself.

Even though the OM in my story did divorce his wife, I still think about her and what I put her through and her kids. It’s sickening. It’s awful. I can never make it right or make amends. She has moved on and I believe she is happy now but at what cost did she have to go through to get that happiness. Hell she thought she had it with her husband. I do believe the OM has had more than just the one affair with me. I also believe he probably still is on his new wife. Maybe not. But even if he was gonna have an affair on his wife with or without me. It should have been without me.

So for the “OW” to sit around and talk about it like they deserve something, they don’t. Well maybe a throat punch. But that’s about it.

I’ll end this right here. I think you all get my feelings on this subject.