The truth will set you free???

I read Dolly’s blog and was going to leave a comment. But what I have to say might be too long. This goes out to the betrayed. I am assuming all of your spouses have lied on some level about the affair. I know I did.

No matter how many phone records you look through. How many receipts you find. How many text or whatever it is you find that makes you think you have it figured out and you want us to answer in the way you think it happened. Let me just say your not completely right. Maybe some of what you think is. But here’s the thing. None of you have been in the situation. (Thank God) even though we (the betrayer) put ourselves there, you will never be able to make sense of it. Or understand it. Wether it’s because we started out lying or just because your imagination ran wild (which is usually worse than truth) it’s not going to make sense.

I wonder how many of you really want the truth. I wonder how many spouses finally gave in and told it your way just so the endless conversation of that one piece would be over. I know I have.

The truth will set you free?, no I think the betrayeds truth will set you free. We could tell the truth til we are blue in the face and most of the time the betrayed won’t be satisfied and we will end up telling you the lie you really believe.

Dont get me wrong I know we did it to ourselves. I get that. I know it’s a long road to recovery if that road is still paved. I know there will be triggers, broken hearts, fights, crying sessions and lots more.

As the betrayed, ask yourself do you want the truth or do you want your truth. As the betrayer I think we hear you say certain things and we fight you on it because there is a few pieces of what your saying that is wrong and to us those few things makes a difference. I can’t speak for the betrayed, but do those little pieces to the puzzle that you have wrong make a difference. Or should we just own up to it knowing it’s not the complete truth. Frankly I know I an tired of fighting with my spouse on those issues and finally started just agreeing with him. Right or wrong? Sometimes wrong because then that opens up another box.

So I’ll ask you again do you want the truth or your truth?

No one said this would be easy. I knew that it wouldn’t be. I’m not asking for being off the hook, or for someone to have sympathy for me.

Just a few things I thought of when I read the post.

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11 thoughts on “The truth will set you free???”

  1. I just don’t want lies. I don’t need to know everything but when I discover a file on my computer, it better line up with what I’ve been told. When it exposes lies, the wounds get ripped right open again. I want to be able to move on from this. Lies don’t help, only hurt. The betrayer must know that when we receive the shock of our lives, we are going to go back and examine everything, trying to make sense of it. I know it will never make sense, but we will look anyway. The betrayer doesn’t have to reveal every little detail, but they need to give the overall picture. When they say it started on date x then we find something from date y, we got a big problem.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. I appreciate your perspective on this. My only response to this is that some of us weren’t looking for what we want to hear, but when things are said that don’t make sense, we continue looking. For example, my husband told me for nearly a year that they ‘messed’ around but never had intercourse…until he had a herpes outbreak. Then miraculously, he admitted they did have intercourse. Chris has had substantial details omitted in her story as did I. Those details matter. That was what my post was about.

    I’m sure there are places I don’t know about where he took the skank and at this point, I don’t have the need to scour the credit card statements. Had he told me they NEVER went out and I had reason to believe it, I would have continued looking…

    Thanks again for commenting, it is helpful to have the perspective from your point of view. xoxo Dolly

    Liked by 3 people

    1. The making sense thing is what Im talking about. For instance, my Husband believes that i must have met the OM a long time before I said I did because we were on the phone all the time almost instantly. Its not true. But thats what makes sense to him. Now thats just one example. Theres many more. As far as when I met him there is no solid proof. I cant prove it to him. So I tell him the truth but in his mind its a lie. Thats what I am referring to, situations like that.
      Also when I do tell him the truth about something he uses it against me later. For instance, I told him at two separate times I had another phone number attached to my phone (thru an app). I even went as far as calling the people that run the app and recording the conversation asking them what all numbers were associated with my email, name and credit card and dates. I gave him the recording. His response now is well I must have had more numbers. You see this affair started in 20118 years ago. So when he goes back to the phone logs 8 years ago and he cant figure out a number he assumes it must have been one of his or mine that we used. I dont remember who’s numbers they are so I cant tell him. Most of the time the numbers are disconnected by now. Theres no way to prove those things. So what i say must be a lie because in his mind it makes sense what he believes.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I get where you’re coming from as it’s true that we try to make sense of things. It is a shock to us that our spouses would lie like this so we don’t believe anything. We think that everything they say is a lie. And when there are instances of trickle truth, it reinforces that our spouses ARE in fact continuing to lie. It’s a real problem for both the betrayed and betrayer.

        For me, even after he came clean, there was always more. Once I felt he had been completely honest, there was still the issue of the texts that I knew about, but he refused to show me exactly what they said. It bothered me still. When I had the opportunity to retrieve them on by using an app to access his phone backup, I was able to see they were exactly as he said they were. That verification went a long way to help restore trust.

        To date, I don’t know the extent of their ‘social life’ during the 3 months of their affair, details that could be pieced together further by looked at the credit card statements. But do I need to go there? No. It’s 2 1/2 years ago and would have no benefit whatsoever at this point in time. However, 2 1/2 years later, there still is a nagging in the back of my head about her contact/lack of in the present. She had not stopped trying to call/text in 2 years. I have a hard time thinking she’s finally given up although my husband says she has. He hasn’t given me reason to think he’s hiding contact and in fact I have verified there’s been no texts on the cell phone bill. It’s not that I don’t trust him so much, I just don’t trust her…

        Liked by 2 people

  3. “I wonder how many of you really want the truth. I wonder how many spouses finally gave in and told it your way just so the endless conversation of that one piece would be over. I know I have.”

    It’s hard for me to wrap my head around sometimes. I don’t think it is about getting to the truth but is about finding a thread we can hang onto that gives us permission to do what we want to do do anyway. We are looking for a reason to do what we want to do anyway.

    I like the post. I think there is more than a bit of truth here.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. how long did it take you not to answer them that way? I answer them that way to almost like an interrogation. I think its because I dont want to show any emotion to what I did.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. You have no idea how much you have actually been helping me.. I hope to be able to put it into words one of these days.

    But this… this is actually true at times.

    I can’t make sense out of a lot that he tells me. So I create what makes sense in my head and convince myself that is what happened because it’s the only thing that makes sense.

    When he contradicts what feels to be the truth, I feel he is lying.

    And I tell him that. Then he looks lost.

    But as time goes on, I have realized that that insanity is on me. I must muddle through and figure out what is important and believe him or not. If I don’t? Then it’s on me to decide what to do from there.

    It’s absolute insanity.

    On the other hand, the crazy part is, it’s so foggy and messed up in our heads that repeated questions of the same thing are needed until the answers make their way through the fog. His biggest gripe is “You’ve asked that many times.” Yes, I have. Answer it as many times as it takes.

    I think the bottoms line is, it’s a way to establish some sort of trust again…I ask, and if he answers, I ask again. Maybe I’m looking for discrepancies, maybe none of it makes sense so Im lost and if asking again and again helps me find direction to begin the processing ? Then that’s what happens.

    I think mine feels badgered and ashamed when I ask questions. He gets annoyed and defensive. I wish I could make him understand it’s not to punish him, or shame him… it’s to heal.

    Thank you 🙏. You have given so much useful insight to “the other side”. 😊

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I understand when you say he looks lost. We have eliminated all evidence, except maybe the phone logs, some random receipts we didn’t catch or the occasional text we forgot to delete. We did this for obvious reasons, we knew we were wrong and didn’t want to get caught. What i wouldn’t do to have some of that evidence back to prove what I was saying was true. But I dont have it.
      The lost feeling or look he gets, I can relate. Its a look of despair. Look of pain. Its a look of hopelessness. The reason being is some days we can see the light. We can see happier days. Then all of sudden we tell the truth and we are smacked with your a liar and you cant prove otherwise. Obviously are sin is huge and it hurt everyone involved. It hurt whole families on both sides. We became a person with no integrity. I know it will never be forgotten but it would be nice to live one day without it being dropped on you like a weight. I know we caused it. But let me say this, how would others feel if their sin (whatever it is) was brought up everyday. Or your trying to be a better person one day at a time and your hit with the knowledge the one person you want to see the difference cant see it because of the images you caused. Im not saying poor little cheater. But on the same note its not easy to come back from something so horrible. We are just hoping our spouses will walk the walk with us, beside us. We know its a long road. But at some point there has to be some kind of forgiveness. Forgiveness looks different from person to person and couple to couple you have to figure that out together. I know this was long and lots of rambling but i hope it made sense.

      Liked by 3 people

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