It’s been a while since I wrote.
Swimming in my own despair. My heart is clenched in your teeth. Drowning in quicksand. With every move I’m sinking, sinking. Panic sinks in. Can’t catch my breath. Tangled in regret. Wrapped in ice cold loneliness. Lived two lives. My heart can’t take it. My mind can’t comprehend. What I’ve done. Searching, always searching. Never finding, looking in the wrong place. Happiness, love, acceptance. Lies, betrayal, false hope. Looking to the world. A cold dark world. That doesn’t care. Where you are nothing. Spit you out. Worst than you came. How can that be? How is that possible? High on the pedestal. A pedestal of sand. The wind is increasing. Take me down knocking me down
I haven’t been on here in a while. Life gets so crazy.
I blogged about the start. Blogged about the middle. What’s next, the end. As I wrote the tile to this blog I realize there is never an end. Sure the affair comes to an end. It’s always the same. You realize what your doing and wonder how you got there and how you can stop it. Or You get Into a fight with the OM/OW. Or Your found out. Or You tell your spouse because you want to come clean. But then you chicken out and tell half truths. Or trickle truth. Sparing their feelings. So you say. But does it really. No. The damage is already done. The worst has already been thought of and spoken. The less you tell or come clean the worst the thoughts become for them. Then it becomes a reality to your spouse and your fighting another battle you didn’t have to fight.
For me the sex part of the relationship with the OM was over long before the conversations were. I stopped making time for him. I didn’t go visit him. But I continued to take his call. And even call him. Why? I know that’s the big question. My husband believes it’s because I was leaving the door open for him. Because I missed him and wanted him back. Is there any truth to that. A little I guess. In my delusional mind I thought him and I were friends. I believed it. For a long time I talked to him every day. For hours on end. This went on for years. So when the communication stoped or I guess I should say slowed down. I did miss my “friend”. He wasn’t a friend. He never was. I realize that now. But not then. I didn’t want to have sex with him anymore. Nor did I want to spend time with him outside of a phone conversation. Conversations were easy with him. Why? Because we had no ties. We didn’t have kids together. We didn’t have bills together. We didn’t have anything together except for our deception, betrayal and lies. Of course he was the same as me so he never told me this is wrong (not that I didn’t already know that) but a friend would have said ” Hey, what the hell are you doing.” He never made me accountable for anything. My thoughts. My words. My actions. Friends do that. They help you to grow into a better person. He was no friend. In fact now I consider him the enemy. No, I’m not placing all the blame on him. I know and knew what I did was wrong. Why did I do it? I can give you a million lame excuses that don’t mean a damn thing when it’s all said and done. That’s a question I can’t answer. I wish I could.
So the end. There isn’t one. It’s never ending. It’s haunts you day in and day out. You see it on your spouses face. In your spouses eyes. You see it when you look in the mirror. You see it in your kids. Things you’ve taught them their whole life that was wrong and then you go do that very thing. And let’s not talk about on the tv. It’s everywhere. Like a common thing. Like it’s no big deal. I can’t watch it. I don’t want to watch it.
I’ve learned a lot over the course of this last year. I learned some things you never come back from. Sure some days are easier than others. You may live past it but it’s always there somewhere lurking. Instead of an elephant in the room it might become a turtle. Hopefully it becomes a turtle.