More bitter day by day

Why, you ask, should I be bitter? After all I wasn’t the one who was betrayed. I’m the one that did the betrayal. But it doesn’t matter I’m still bitter, it gets worse everyday. It doesn’t help that it’s Christmas time my least favorite holiday. Yea i know I’m a grinch.

Here’s why I’m bitter. My husband and I are pretty much done. It gets worse day by day. I know I’ve caused it. I see the stupid romance movies on tv and I literally give them the finger. I hear a song of love and the radio gets shut off. I really don’t know what I’m fighting for anymore. Fighting for him to believe me, well he doesn’t and it only makes matters worse when I stand my ground. Even when it is the truth. So I could give in and tell him what he thinks or maybe wants to hear but that would only be worse because I would have to make up the story as I went. And since I don’t know what he thinks actually happened that won’t work either.

So here I am. For what? Why am I here? To prove what? It doesn’t matter anyway.

I think about moving to another state. But I would miss my kids. They are all grown and have their own places. Still young enough to still need mom sometimes. Hell right now I need them more than they need me. I have always been a strong independent woman. Not anymore. I’m broken. I broke myself. I don’t know how to fix me. I don’t know if I want to fix me.

The things my husband thinks about me now are just to much to handle. He believes I must have cheated our whole marriage because this affair was done so “good” hiding it for so long. He believes I won’t ever tell the truth. He believes I’ve never loved him. He believes I will always be that person. I wish I knew how to change his look when it comes to me but I don’t. I can’t. He believes nothing I say. So show him with actions. That doesn’t work either. I believe I am fighting a loosing battle.

It’s been a year since I’ve told him. It’s only gotten worse. I knew this would be hard. I’m not scared of hard work. But when there is no give at all. I’ll take just a morsel. I’d take a mustard seed of some sort of glimpse that it might get better some day. I see nothing but a dark hole getting bigger and bigger. I’ve never been more miserable in my life. I know I have made him miserable beyond measure.

White flag.

I give.

He wins.

I’m done.

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2 thoughts on “More bitter day by day”

  1. 76, I know you hurt. My xp found out a year ago too. A slightly different story.

    And as much as people on the other side of this behavior will loathe me for saying, you are not a bad person. We are more than the sum of our betrayal but it has taken me a long time to get to a place where I can tune out the background noise. For some people the only my entire existence will boil down to this series of events, choices, and consequences. At some point in

    Like

  2. Oops, didn’t mean to hit enter.

    Anyway at some point in time, I have to acknowledge I have done what can be done and focus on myself. Forgiveness is my xp’s decision. I cannot earn it or prove I deserve it.

    I completely understand feeling like making up stories to dill the gaps. Nothing I do or say will be enough for some people. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life proving a negative. I’ll own what I did but I cannot own what others think I did.

    Liked by 1 person

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