The middle

Well I ended the last blog talking about the first night I cheated. I haven’t talked about it since then. There’s so much to it I just don’t know where to go.

When I got offered my store I thought it was going to be a few states away and I would never see the OM again. As it turned out he became my boss. So needless to say we continued on the phone all the time. Night and day. All hours. Tons of messages tons calls. We saw each other bare minimum once a month. Not every time did we have sex but a good portion of the time we did. We had monthly manager meetings and that’s why we saw each other then. He also come to my store to do his AOM duties every other week. Most of the time he skipped my store and would only come every three to four weeks.

Him and I got closer and closer. He was like my best friend. The closer I got to him the meaner I got to my husband.

On a side note. It’s strange to say this but I still had guilt about things. For instance he would say mean stuff about his wife and I would defend her. I don’t understand it myself but I did. If he would say things about my husband I would correct him and wouldn’t let him talk about him. I would always defend his wife and my husband. I know how weird that sounds. My husband believes we would laugh about him and joke. And it’s simply not true. The OM and I would not talk about him. I would occasionally say stuff like he’s being a jerk today. Or I really pissed him off today. But that’s as far as it went. It was off limits to talk about them.

Time went on and I knew that the OM was lying to me about things but I never wanted to believe it. I mean come on why would he lie to me ( I’m Being sarcastic) during one of my conversations with my husband about the OM I stated that I never lied to the OM. My husband took that to mean something totally different then what I meant. What I meant was I always told the OM I was never leaving my husband. Which my husband now uses that piece of information against me. I really never thought the affair would turn into as long as it did or with so many feelings. I don’t know what I was thinking or why I would think that it would just be done and over and no would know. Actually no one would have known if I hadn’t told.

Well one day the OM got really sick and ended up in the hospital and while he was there his wife went through his phone. Of course she found a lot of calls and messages. She also found some pics of me in his phone. She called me that day. I didn’t know what to say to her, I told her the truth. I told her all the things he had told me about their relationship. I let her yell at me and say whatever she wanted. Who was I to say anything back to her. I never got angry. We talked about 3 times that day. She told me that I wasn’t the only one he was seeing. I believed her. When I questioned the OM about it of course he had a ton of excuses. Some of them sounded legit. I knew they were lies. But I wanted to believe him. We didn’t talk much after that. About 2 months went by and the calls started again. Shortly after that he was no longer my boss and I only saw him at the meetings. He went to another area.

The OM and his wife got a divorce. Which he stated from the beginning that they were getting a divorce so I wasn’t surprised.

I started to hate living two lives. That’s what I was doing for years. I lived two lives. I didn’t know who I was anymore. Things I never thought I would do I was doing. I started talking the OM less. But I missed our friendship. I wouldn’t make time to go see him because I knew what it entailed. When I went to the manager meetings I made sure I had plans with the other managers so I had an excuse not to meet with him. We still talked on the phone and texted.

The OM begged me to come see him and couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t. So he told me he was lonely and wanted to start dating. I told him to do it. I was fine with it. He would call me and tell me about his dates. Which I would listen and talk to him about it. By this time my husband had moved back to where we lived before this job. About 3 1/2 hours away. I would go see my husband every other weekend and on the opposite ones he would come to my house.

Yes I still talked to the OM I just wouldn’t go see him or make any time for him. Yes I know that’s just as bad. But in my mind at the time I seen it as that part of our relationship was over and we were just friends. It’s laughable now when I think about it. Really. You can be friends with him still. No. Not at all.

I will end this one here. I’ll finish up the story on my next blog.

Advertisements

More bitter day by day

Why, you ask, should I be bitter? After all I wasn’t the one who was betrayed. I’m the one that did the betrayal. But it doesn’t matter I’m still bitter, it gets worse everyday. It doesn’t help that it’s Christmas time my least favorite holiday. Yea i know I’m a grinch.

Here’s why I’m bitter. My husband and I are pretty much done. It gets worse day by day. I know I’ve caused it. I see the stupid romance movies on tv and I literally give them the finger. I hear a song of love and the radio gets shut off. I really don’t know what I’m fighting for anymore. Fighting for him to believe me, well he doesn’t and it only makes matters worse when I stand my ground. Even when it is the truth. So I could give in and tell him what he thinks or maybe wants to hear but that would only be worse because I would have to make up the story as I went. And since I don’t know what he thinks actually happened that won’t work either.

So here I am. For what? Why am I here? To prove what? It doesn’t matter anyway.

I think about moving to another state. But I would miss my kids. They are all grown and have their own places. Still young enough to still need mom sometimes. Hell right now I need them more than they need me. I have always been a strong independent woman. Not anymore. I’m broken. I broke myself. I don’t know how to fix me. I don’t know if I want to fix me.

The things my husband thinks about me now are just to much to handle. He believes I must have cheated our whole marriage because this affair was done so “good” hiding it for so long. He believes I won’t ever tell the truth. He believes I’ve never loved him. He believes I will always be that person. I wish I knew how to change his look when it comes to me but I don’t. I can’t. He believes nothing I say. So show him with actions. That doesn’t work either. I believe I am fighting a loosing battle.

It’s been a year since I’ve told him. It’s only gotten worse. I knew this would be hard. I’m not scared of hard work. But when there is no give at all. I’ll take just a morsel. I’d take a mustard seed of some sort of glimpse that it might get better some day. I see nothing but a dark hole getting bigger and bigger. I’ve never been more miserable in my life. I know I have made him miserable beyond measure.

White flag.

I give.

He wins.

I’m done.