What do I say

I know I’m writing a lot today. A couple different topics. My mind is swirling.

Here’s my question, what do I say now?

My husband everyday thinks I’m going to magically say something that will make it make sense or at the very least show some sort of love for him.

I read a blog and excuse me if I don’t remember who wrote it (I’ve been reading a lot of them) but she said that her husband is spending time with her. Doing all the little things to show he loves her. But it’s not enough after an affair. You know the snuggles. Or the cooking dinner little things that would have meant so much before but now mean nothing without the other. So I get that now. I get what I thought was showing him I love him was really not. I mean you need to do that to but it’s not the icing on the cake anymore.

What do I say now??

He believes I am still lying and he believes I’m still trying to keep part of it back for myself. Hidden within me. That’s not it at all. I don’t want any of it. I believe the reason he thinks that is because some of the things he believes to be true aren’t and I fight him on it. But what am I really fighting for? To win? To say see you were wrong about that but right about everything else. How ridiculous. I am fighting him on particulars that in the grand scheme of what I did, do they really mean anything.

What do I say now???

My husband always ask me what do I have to say for myself. I am silent. I have nothing to say for myself. Nothing he doesn’t already know. Silent for him is worse than anything but I don’t know what to say.

What do I say now????

My husband already ask me what do I have to say to him for him. I say ” I love you” but now those 3 little words that should have always meant so much. Mean nothing. How do you show someone you love them after all the horrible cruel things you have done to them. I see my husband. I see him for the man that he is. I see him for the man he tried to always be for me that I never let him be.

What do I say now ?????

That is the million dollar question. I am running out of time. I fear I already ran out of time years ago. But he loves me. He keeps trying to make a way for me. But I’m lost. I don’t know what to say. What to do. How to prove anything. Especially when he believes nothing I have to say. He tells me all the time he sees no difference between now and when I was having the affair except the OM isn’t here. Which that is my fault because I told him I loved him during the whole affair. I know. I know that is awful and sinister. I get it. But I’m paying for it now.

What do I say now??????

Edited to say. My husband also believes I should know what to do to make him feel a little better. I don’t. That haunts me. Why don’t I know. He says I sure knew how to ruin it I should know how to make it better. Again. I don’t. I’ve asked him what he needs. What he wants. He won’t tell me. I partially think it’s because he doesn’t know either. The other part is he does know somewhat but wants me to be on the same level as him. I mean if I love him I should know what he needs or wants right? Wrong. I have never been in this situation before so I don’t know what anyone would need. Truth. Yes I get that. But if you believe nothing is the truth then we’re do you go from there?

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Poor OW???

I just read a blog from a while ago talking about how the OW write these blogs wanting people to feel sorry for them. Basically it was a blog about why should we feel sorry for it you choose it. The comments were pretty much the same. Well I agree with all of you.

I want NO sympathy at all. Pardon the pun but I made my bed and now I must lie in it. It’s a horrible bed. Not only was I the OW but I was also married and he was the OM. Fucking pathetic. I want NO sympathy. The only thing I want is to maybe not feel pain everyday just a few times a month. I don’t want it to go away completely. It keeps you grounded and humbled. I do however want no more pain for my husband at least as less as possible. And less triggers for him would be nice.

Even being the OW I still feel like them talking about their “feelings” and how they are “lonely” is rich. Get over yourself.

Even though the OM in my story did divorce his wife, I still think about her and what I put her through and her kids. It’s sickening. It’s awful. I can never make it right or make amends. She has moved on and I believe she is happy now but at what cost did she have to go through to get that happiness. Hell she thought she had it with her husband. I do believe the OM has had more than just the one affair with me. I also believe he probably still is on his new wife. Maybe not. But even if he was gonna have an affair on his wife with or without me. It should have been without me.

So for the “OW” to sit around and talk about it like they deserve something, they don’t. Well maybe a throat punch. But that’s about it.

I’ll end this right here. I think you all get my feelings on this subject.

The start

My husband and I as you well know had problems in our marriage. I say that you already knew that because if we didn’t have any problems then I wouldn’t have found comfort with someone else.

I blamed everything on my husband as the cheater often does. I didn’t see my part in the whole thing. I was a bitch to him and didn’t spend any time with him. I have always been very much into my work. It didn’t matter what job I had I was devoted to it. Days , nights weekends , phone calls all hours of the night from my employees. I still came home and cooked dinner, went to all the sports practices and games our kids had. But I didn’t give him any alone time. Or any kind of time for that matter. I felt like my husband was an asshole, and for the most part he was. Always talking shit. I felt like his jokes were always aimed at me. Thinking back on it now had a devoted some time to my own marriage and maybe even communicated with him would it had been different. I don’t know. I don’t know if he was ready to hear me. I don’t know that I was ready to talk to him. We got together in 2001 and married in 2005. The affair started in nov 2011. That’s when the calls started.

I started a new job in July of 2011. I was on the fast track of having my own business. Going through a manager training program. It.was like having a franchise that you didn’t have to put the money up for. Sounds pretty good huh. I was all in. There was one catch when you did get your store you had to move and you didn’t know where you were going. I love to move around so it was right up my alley. At that point my husband and I went through a turning point. He kept telling me he was unhappy. He wanted more time with me. Just a touch or look or a kind word.

I started my manager training at one store and was there for a total of 4 months. During my time there I had to travel out of state for seminars. During one of the seminars I met the OM. It was not immediate attraction at all. In fact I thought he was an arrogant ass. After the four months I switched to another store to become the assistant manager I had a lot of problems with the new manager at the new store. I am a female in a predominantly male business. The manager didn’t like me and I didn’t like him. After the last seminar the OM asked if he could call me at my store to talk to me about work. I told him he could. We immediately started talking on the phone all the time. For the most part he was helping me with training and business stuff. The OM was also in the program to get his store but halfway through the program he decided to change into a different position. Rumors started to fly around the office because we talked a lot at work. So he asked for my number and I gave it to him. At that time I had an hour and half drive to and from work everyday so we talked the whole ride there and the whole ride home. I almost instantly thought he was a friend of mine. A friend I enjoyed talking to. Of course I did. We didn’t fight. There was nothing to fight about. I often thought that he must have a book on what to say to woman because he seemed to always say the right thing at the right time. We lived in different states so I didn’t really expect to see him that much or at all. I was ok with that. I liked having someone to talk that I had no ties too. Work conversations turned into personal conversations as they almost always do. I knew just that alone was wrong. I hid it from my husband. Back then I foolishly thought there was nothing wrong with the opposite sexes being friends. But there is. I gave the OM what my husband had been asking me for that I wouldn’t give. I gave him time, emotions and friendship.

I decided to get an apartment where my job was because it was becoming winter and I knew I could not make that drive back and forth everyday in the snow. The problem was when I got the apartment I stopped going home except on weekends. I was on the phone with the OM non stop by this time. One night I had been on the phone with him late at night like usual he asked me if he could send me flowers and I said yes. I gave him my address and a few hours later he showed up at my house. By this time we had already been on the phone non stop for months. I feel like he was a close friend by now. That night was the night I first cheated on my husband. I wish I could tell you why I did it. Or what was the turning point. I don’t know. I think maybe I just felt so close to him that it was the next step. Did I feel guilt. YES. not while but after I did. But I think the closeness I felt to the OM was more powerful then the guilt. I can’t really explain it. I know your ready my blog to get a better understanding of the other side of betrayal, I fear I won’t be able to give you it because I don’t know how much I understand it. And I’m the one that did it. This is such a long story, but I am going to end it here for tonight I will write more soon and go into more detail. I wanted to give you the start of it all. There’s so much, that it’s overwhelming.

I will end with this, when I look back at all the things I did to my husband it’s like I am watching a movie and it’s not really me. It’s like I don’t recognize myself in the movie. But it was me.

I know I am leaving a lot unsaid. I will continue this tomorrow. It might take me a few blogs to get the story out.

Again I hope I can help someone understand the other side but I don’t know if I will be that person. I don’t know if there is any understanding of any of it.

I am going to write this blog but it’s more of questions then anything.

I was not “caught” by my husband. While yes he was suspicious but he had no clue how, where, when or with who. He didn’t know how long it went on. My husband did move out of our house a few years ago. You see we moved as a family for my job to a town we all hated. But I loved my job. When things started getting to be more than my husband could handle he moved back to our old town. By that I mean when I wouldn’t stop treating him like shit. Our two youngest sons went with him to go back to the school they loved. And I’m sure they wanted to be with him also. We lived 3 1/2 hours from each other. We saw each other on weekends. On my weekend off I would drive to his house and vice versa. This went on for a few years. Then my husband said he knew something was up and we couldn’t go on like this I needed to come clean and tell him everything. (The affair had been over for a year or longer by this point) although I must admit I still talked to him on occasion. My only explanation for that is I actually believed he was my friend. Stupid I know. The guy I had an affair with had moved on and was dating someone at the time. Who he later married. So as far as I was concerned we had an understanding that part of our “relationship” was over. It’s crazy to me to say relationship when I was married at the time. Anyway when I went to my husbands house I did confess but not to everything. I still lied about it. I told him what I had done and with who. But I didn’t tell him how long or any real particulars about the situation. I have learned know that’s called the trickle truth. A very cruel thing to do to someone, especially someone you love.

This trickle truth thing has been going on a year now. I know what is running through your mind. If your sorry why are you still doing the trickle truth. Well heres your answer. I am not. The problem is since I didn’t come clean in the beginning my husband has seen the call logs and has come up with some pretty crazy scenarios in his head. Most of which never took place. I will never convince him of that. So my question to you, when you are confronting your spouse do you really want the truth or do you want to hear your version of the truth? The problem is I won’t admit to what he thinks happened when it didn’t. We are talking about particular things in the grand scheme. I’ve given up on trying to figure out if he needs that piece of information or will it make it worse. First off it can’t get any worse. Second I can’t say what will or won’t help my husband.

So my husband still believes that I am lying to him and that I must not really love him. He has now conjured up in his head that I must not have really loved him ever because how could I do what I did and have ever loved him. We have been together for 18 years. There are days we spend together that are amazing. But others are a nightmare.

So what do I do? Do I admit to what he thinks happened even if it’s not true? Or do I stand my ground? If I stand my ground we will be over. If I admit to more lies what good does that do. Or in the grand scheme does it matter if I admit to what he thinks happened to make him feel better even if it never happened?

Had I came to him in the very beginning and told the truth or more of the truth this wouldn’t be happening now. This is completely my fault but what do I do now?

I urge you cheaters to not be cowards and come fourth with the truth no matter how hard or how ugly. Believe me when I say, what the injured spouse believes happened is much worse. We weren’t cowards when we cheated. So why are we cowards now. If you love your spouse don’t do what I did with the trickle truth. Just say it. Work through it with them.

On a side note I am still married our divorce is not final yet. Not until the end of this month. We could still stop it, I think. We also live in the same town again.

Blind Trust

I actually have a title today. Before I start I would like to say thank you for all the positive feedback, I know that can’t be easy for you guys but I appreciate it.

My husband gave me blind trust. Does that mean it made it easier for me to do what I did. Yes in a way. I was still cautious and covered my tracks. Some people believe that you should have blind trust in a relationship to them it means that you have arrived in your marriage to a solid ground. Other people don’t like it because they are either very jealous people and not trusting.

For me, I don’t think it’s a good thing to give anyone blind trust. I wish my husband wouldn’t have given me blind trust. Would that have stopped me from my affair. Probably not. I can’t say. Hind sight is 20/20. But I do know that we are all Human. People will say it’s not in me to do those things. Or I could never. Well I’m here to tell you everyone is capable of all things. Given certain situations it can all be possible.

I’m here to tell you that blind trust does not mean you have arrived anywhere. It’s a silly notion that people have. Now I’m not talking about being stalkerish towards your other half, but what is the harm of asking or checking up on something. If they have a problem with that, there’s a red flag. There might be a problem in your relationship that your unaware of. Find it. Figure it out. Fix it.

This blog really didn’t go into much detail about anything just some random thoughts I have had.

The woman who cheated.

You don’t hear much from the women who cheated. Why? Well either we feel justified in what we did or we are too ashamed to admit it. I don’t feel justified. I am extremely ashamed but maybe just maybe my words could help heal someone or stop them from making the biggest mistake of their lives. Either way I feel the need to write.

Let me start by saying, I am NOT a writer. So there will be grammar errors. If you feel the need to correct me, Don’t. I am not looking for a grade on an english paper.

I have so many thoughts and emotions running through my head, its hard to grab just one and stick to it. I hope this whole blog isn’t me rambling but I make no promises.

Where to start, I could start before the affair and take you through what my marriage was like. I could start during the affair and take you on a wild journey of lies and betrayal. Living two lives at once. But, I think I’ll start right now. In the here and now. After the affair. Last night I was looking up cheating or something like that on the internet and I came across a WordPress blog. Walking through the Journey, I stayed up way to late for my age reading it. I cried more times than I’d like to admit. One thing she mentioned is wanting to read the blog of the woman’s side. I was already wanting to write something but she has sparked that in me to write it. There were a few things in her blog I had to figure out. Like what D-Day was. Discovery Day. A few other things I’ll mention later. One thing I have discovered is not only am I cheater, I am a coward. All hard things to take in. By reading her blog I have realized I did exactly all the wrong things post affair. Like trickle truth. Or not being completely honest when asked a question. I would love to say it’s because I was trying to protect my husband but the truth is I am a coward. I wasn’t trying to protect my husband when I had he affair. By reading her blog  also realize it does not have to make sense to me why he needs to know certain things, just that he does. In my head I was trying to rationalize what I thought he needed to know and what I wanted to tell him. Thats not fair to him. He might later decide he really didn’t want to know that but it is not up to me to decide that for him.

Other than having the affair itself, here is where I went wrong. I didn’t come clean. When I told my husband I told him half-truths. Like how long it went on. I didn’t tell him what my true feelings for the other man was. If I had told him everything would things be different right now. I will never know. This Wednesday our divorce will be final.

Its been a year of living hell. But not just for him. My mind never stops. Why did I do it? Why did I carry on for so long? I am a whore. People looking a me can tell. I cry when I watch people in love on tv because I truly love my husband more than I ever have.

This is just the start to my blog. I don’t know where it will lead if anywhere. I left this blog open-ended because there is no definite resolution I can come to. So for now I will end it here and start again another day.

I know I will get a lot of flack for what I am writing and for what I did. But I have realized that in the grand scheme of things the only persons opinion of me that matters is my husband. And I can tell you his opinion of me is not very high right now. I don’t know if it ever will be again.

I will end this blog here. With rambles and no clear thoughts.